The circumstances of this discovery arose from lack of activity in the investment grade market, which drove the Loan Ranger underground last week.
Well actually, underwater.
The Ranger took him (or her) self to a sunny Mediterranean island — and with the help of a patient, sea nymph-like Danish instructor — performed a number of scuba diving skills. Expertly.
Such as diving to no less than two shipwrecks! They look so ghostly as they loom out of the deep.
Returning this week, the Ranger wowed colleagues with tales of daredevil travails.
“I did that thing where you have to take off your goggles underwater…”
“Oooooooooooooooooo!” they squealed.
“…and then I put them back on again!”
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”
The Ranger considered himself a bit of a Bear Grylls for achieving his entry-level open water diving qualification — particularly after getting sent a Padi certificate in the post with a picture of a fish on it.
Little did he know how soon his self-congratulation would be undone by hearing of the greater feats of loan bankers.
But for a while it was most gratifying to see how impressed Tonto and Silver were by his exploits.
“Why the long face?” asked Tonto
“I’m nonplussed,” said Silver.
“Me too,” agreed Tonto. “We need to do something daring.”
They racked their brains and in the end did the most daring thing they could think of, which was to go and see some lawyers.
The Allen & Overy press party was a tip top event. The hosts served a fine fare of scallops, pork belly and wood pigeon — although Tonto was keen to impress on his hosts how easy it was to catch and cook the everyday London variety of pigeon out on the roof terrace using his Potawatomi hunting techniques.
It was while this was going on — and concerned types were trying to stop it — that Silver had a startling revelation. Looking around at the other journalists he realised that nearly all of them — to a man and woman — were ex-GlobalCapital.
It became apparent that working for the Loan Ranger's stable was the qualification you needed before you could go diving in the world of financial journalism.
Silver hooked Tonto aside and pointed out his discovery.
“We need to come up with a name for this qualification,” mulled Silver.
“How about a Globby?” murmured Tonto, through a mouthful of pigeon.
One of the lawyers came over, accompanied by the noisiest and bounciest of the swarming Globalites – himself a tall and rangy ex-Loan Ranger.
“Do you guys know each other?” the lawyer asked, trying to do introductions.
“He birthed me,” said Tonto.
Back at the ranch, the current Loan Ranger’s sense of survivalist superiority lasted all of five minutes — until he picked up the phone to a certain Swedish banker, who explained with cool Nordic indifference that he also had some diving experience...
“Ahhh, great!” said the Ranger, pleased to have found a fellow high-octane thrill seeker.
“Yes, I used to be a bomb disposal diver in the Navy.”
“EH?!” The Ranger splattered a mouthful of coffee over his keyboard — furious that someone had stolen his thunder as an underwater badass — and so spectacularly!
The shame only mounted thereafter.
Later the Ranger spoke to a head of loans who told him about more extreme aquatic adventures.
He had been canoeing in the remote Swedish hinterland for five days. Braving gullys and rapids with only freshly caught fish for sustenance and the stars above him for a roof at night.
"This IG lot may look a bit square, but they’re all raging adrenalin junkies!" thought the Ranger to himself
The Ranger’s “extreme” diving experience now felt like a school field trip to the Barnes Wetlands Centre.
But he consoled his wounded pride with a double shot caramel macchiato from Starbucks and went home to watch his widescreen digital TV.
Epilogue:
After a week of rare London sunshine, Loan Ranger and Silver were galloping around the prairies off Fleet Street when it suddenly started to rain. The smell of the hot earth — or concrete — in this confluence was a treat for the two country heroes.
“Petrichor,” said Loan Ranger.
“Bless you,” said Silver.
“No, that’s the word for that smell,” explained Loan Ranger.
“I wonder what the word is for when you get loan deals after a long period of nothing much going on,” mused Silver.
“I wonder too,” said Loan Ranger. “Ah, the smell of loans.”
Answers on a postcard please. Or email will do.
