Loan Ranger and his friends are of course heroes of utmost valour and integrity. But there’s not much they can be expected to do for humanity on an empty stomach – or starved of engaging repartee with the characters of the marketplace.
So it was with several layers of relish that the three amigos accepted an invite to drinks with Commerzbank last week. The German bank has intelligent conversation, good food and nice plonk in abundance.
Loan Ranger regaled all with tales of daring, while Silver showed off his feats of galloping and whinnying and leaping around the room, only being called to a halt when he nearly gave some poor fellow a black eye.
Tonto, meanwhile, was over-enthusiastic in attacking a delicious cheese tart and suffered a coughing fit when the crust crumbs hit his airways. Only a round of impeccable sushi was able to save him.
Having been invigorated by the evening, the trio returned to base the next day fully charged for loan-slinging at the old press works. High standards had been set, although Tonto managed to fit in another delightful meal, this time with a CLO manager.
The good fellow is a purveyor of healthy body and mind. The conversation ranged widely through the virtues of strong family life, wholesome food and elevated thinking. Oh and risk retention.
But by the meeting of Thursday’s deadlines, the compadres were again – to put it mildly – somewhat peckish. Both for tucker and learning.
After supping on some fine Italian fare off Fleet Street, Loan Ranger, Tonto and Silver passed through Magpie Alley and learned a great deal from the legends on its walls.
The spirit of Wynkyn de Worde still holds vigil over the printing presses of the area and beyond. He was a pioneer of his time and set precedents that retain their power to this day. Renowned for using sensationalism to sell his news sheets, he raised the bar for reportage with headlines such as "A Horryble Monster... cast of a sowe in Prussia".
In a swoon from the impact such stature (and food) had impressed upon their impressionable minds, the three adventurers floated on through the night – filled with ideas of making great enterprise from the evening.
Which is when they happened to pass JP Morgan’s asset management offices on John Carpenter Street.
“Hey, isn’t this where the secret gold vaults are located?!” shouted Silver.
“It wouldn’t be very secret if it was,” replied Tonto.
"They've been here - no doubt with their doubloons - since 1691," cried Silver.
"I think you'll find that is 1991," quoth Tonto.
But Silver – always the nosiest of the group – was already trying to peer inside. Someone in the building had made this very easy, by leaving on the lights of a ground floor conference room. Therein a table was set for what looked like a meeting of the utmost importance the following morning, with all the name tags laid out.
Silver began punching the names into Google with his hoof, hoping to glean some insight into the mystery of what he had already decided was a rendezvous of an all-powerful gold cabal.
Hoof-work is not known for its accuracy with Googling, but Silver determined that the attendants to this meeting included a Gulf investment banker, an investor in air conditioning, a Chinese actress as well as a colon and rectal surgery doctor.
The possibilities for this confluence were mind-bending. They conjured notions that were both intriguing and yet fearful.
Loan Ranger suggested that they all make haste for Blackfriars and in future confine their research to tasty dinners.
